Why am I stuck in resentment? The Dual Connection of Resentment & Neglect
Resentment is hard to name, it can feel very shameful to carry it in our bodies. Somewhere along the way, we believe that we are the issue or cause of holding resentment. Resentment is an anger, or indignation around being treated unfairly, or in the absence of care. Yet when it cannot be named or expressed, it is harbored and eats at the person carrying it on their own.
What are some of the signs and symptoms?
Sense of anger or rage
Hostility
Frustration, annoyance
Inability to make known, or expressed feelings of anger or hurt
Somatic symptoms
Snarling
Grinding of teeth
Clenching down
Headaches
Heaviness
What is often failed to be considered or named when exploring resentment, is that the person carrying the resentment is often unable to express how they were treated unfairly, neglected or harmed. Many times there is a parent-child dynamic where the child feels responsible to not express their feelings, or perhaps there is a systemic or racial dynamic that suppresses the free expression of Folks of Color from some of the mistreatment experienced.
When working with resentment, it’s important to acknowledge it’s presence and really get to know the layers of what it’s been carrying for some time.
Perhaps there is anger, grief, or abandonment intertwined with it. Giving a voice to this part of us that has had to hide and carry these incredible painful feelings is such an essential part of the healing process.
In effort to begin my blog on resentment, I began scrolling the internet on “resentment”, and what I felt reading some of the blog posts was this blame that resentment will make you sick and lead to depression. AHH, again it felt like blaming the person who has been a victim to some mistreatment and whatever may be the reason, had to harbor it.
I have also noticed such a unique connection between people who have experienced neglect in their childhood, physical or emotional, and the impulse to hide and harbor their true feelings. There’s this inherent belief, that my emotions, experience or needs cannot be known or understood, therefore I must suppress. And in the suppressing, there is a building of resentment.
Restoring our connection to what has HAD to be pushed down and suppressed begins with forming a connection to this part of us. Allowing it to be made vocal, seen and known. It’s only from that place of connection and safety that we can unburden this “resenting” part of us, and find ways to express and advocate for ourselves.
This blog post was written by: Erica Lima, LCSW, MSW licensed therapist at Sunset Trauma Therapy and Consultation PLLC providing online therapy in North Carolina and California on Aug 8, 2022.
