The Struggle for Self-Validation: Why is it so hard for me to accept validation?
Validation is simply affirming someone’s feelings, thoughts, beliefs and experiences, and holds a profound psychological impact. Even when many of us long to receive this, we find ourselves rejecting it. Why is this?
For some of us, this may look like a reflexive response to compare ourselves to someone else, to downplay our experience, to give advice, or change the topic. Sometimes, we crave the familiar criticism and invalidation because something about it feels awfully familiar. Paradoxically, when we are met with simple validation – we reject it, or even become angry at it. This aversion often stems from deep-rooted psychological wounds from childhood, that have imprinted on our nervous system a familiarity around motivating ourselves through self criticism or judgment.
Let’s delve into this a bit more.
Some of the reasons as to why we might have aversion to validation stem from the following:
Trauma Histories and Attachment to Criticism: Trauma, whether it is overt or subtle, leaves an internal wounding. This can lead to coping mechanisms that involve harsh self-judgment and self-criticism which paradoxically can feel more comforting than external or internal validation. This experience mirrors the past, and although this is quite traumatic to receive this ongoing invalidation, harsh judgment and criticism – we can understand the craving and comfort arising based on what we are familiar with.
Insecurity and Fear of Vulnerability: To receive or give validation requires vulnerability. To open yourself up to the possibility of rejection can be quite a risk. The fear of receiving validation can also be linked to the appearance of being weak or vulnerable. This can result in a ‘tough self’ or being ‘armored up’. This shielding blocks any types of validation, and can also serve as a barrier to intimacy and close relationships. Additionally, it could be a linked to the fear of being controlled by revealing their need for connection and validation.
Conditional Self Worth: When your worth is based on your performance, or something that you did or didn’t do growing up, you will inherit an internal wounding around your self-worth. This may show up as craving external validation constantly, and also not trusting the validation when it comes in. This self worth is fragile and fleeting as it is based on external validation rather than internal self-acceptance.
The Cycle of Self-Criticism:
The aversion to validation perpetuates a destructive cycle of self-criticism. When we reject or undermine compliments, and dismiss them as insincere or unwarranted – this reinforces our negative self-perception, further entrenching our aversion to validation. Therefore, the internalized criticism diminishes our capacity for self-compassion, making it even harder to break free from the cycle of self-judgment.
So you may ask, How can I overcome my discomfort with validation?
Here are 3 ways to overcome your discomfort with validation:
Cultivating Self-Compassion : Begin by acknowledging the wounding from childhood that shapes our feeling towards our self, and our self worth. Whether your family of origin refused to celebrate and acknowledge you for who you are, pushed you to prove your self worth, or failed to show unconditional support and acceptance (to name a few); these all experiences that leave a negative impact on our ability to see ourselves as worthy of validation, kindness and acceptance. We can start by noticing the wound, and reframing our inherent need for unconditional love, acceptance and compassion as normal and valid.
Reframing Perspectives on Vulnerability: We acknowledge some of the societal beliefs and norms around being ‘strong’ as something that is praised, while being vulnerable/weak is seen as a weakness or character flaw. Exploring your intersectional identities, and family cultural norms on who has to be strong, and what it means to be weak? Reflecting on your unique family of origins’ beliefs around strength/weakness and the messaging you received growing up. It can be helpful to identify harmful beliefs that may have been passed down through the generations that you want to uproot, and beliefs/norms that are nurturing and helpful, that you want to preserve.
Seek Professional Help: Therapy is an experiential process where your relationship, histories and feelings toward receiving validation can be explored and processed. Through therapy you can uncover more about the underlining factors contributing to an aversion to validation.
This blog post was written by: Erica Lima, MSW, LCSW who is Licensed therapist at Sunset Trauma Therapy and Consultation PLLC in North Carolina and California on May 6, 2024.
